5. Johnstone

Johnstone

12 Oakdale Road

Silent Falls

            Most seventeen year olds hated the thought of their parents divorcing, not Peter. As far as he was concerned, it was about time. He didn’t care much for his dad. He’d spent long enough listening to his dad’s drunken fights with his mum. Even when he was a baby, Peter was used to seeing bruises on his mum’s face, the odd broken bone. It was always the same, he’d go to the pub, or even have a few drinks as he watched TV, and he’d be fine for a while. Then the smallest thing could set him off, like a plate unwashed in the sink, or his mum talking on the phone while he was watching something, or trying to speak.

            He always suggested listening to some music before he lost his temper, it was like a warning to try and set things right before it was too late, but it was already too late. Or maybe it was just to drown out the noise for the neighbours. And it would always be that same song, that horrible rock song. Peter hated that song. There was never a different song before or after it. Just that same song again, and again, blasting against the walls as he beat his mother. Sometimes Peter woke up in the middle of the night hearing that song, and he knew what it meant.

            One night, he got really bad, putting his mum in hospital for a week, but in a way that made things better. Terrified of what his dad might do to him if she wasn’t there, his mum had phoned his Aunt Anna to come and get him. He didn’t know if she had said something to her, or if it was maybe someone in the hospital, or maybe after twenty years of hellish marriage she just saw sense, but the papers were signed. They weren’t going back home. They never had to see him again.

            They would have to stay with Aunt Anna and her family for a while until they could afford a place of their own, but Peter didn’t mind. In fact, he quite liked it there, with their family. It was peaceful. He could go to sleep at night without fearing what state his mum would be in when he woke up. His dad didn’t even know where they were, that helped.

            Uncle Jimmy was great, always in a good mood. He never shouted at Aunt Anna, and he was really nice to his mum when she had ‘bad days’. His cousins were okay as well. He had to share a room with Jacob, but he was only six and went to bed at eight, meaning Peter could use the computer, and nothing woke him up. Natalie was fourteen, but she didn’t bother him. She was always out, or in her room with her friends.

            His dad never gave him help with homework or showed him how to do things on the computer the way Jimmy did. He wouldn’t have dared even ask him. But Jimmy never shouted at him. As he was new to Silent Falls, Jimmy showed him a chat room where he could make some friends. A lot of people from the school he went  to were on it, like Natalie. He didn’t care much for it but it gave him something to do. It was a few weeks before he met anyone worth talking to. He hadn’t recognised the name, A, when they started talking to him, but he didn’t recognise many. The computer made a beeping noise, telling him he had a message. Jacob was fast asleep on the bottom bunk in the dim light, snoring gently. He looked at the message.

“Hey, how are you?”

            It was strange. He didn’t think it was anyone he knew, but it sounded like it. He typed a response.

            “Fine u?”

            Beep.

            “I’m fine. What are you up to?”

            “Nothing. Do I know you by the way?”

            He waited a few minutes. There was no response. Guess not, he thought, mildly amused by the casualness of the conversation. He glanced at the clock at the bottom of the screen. Almost midnight, he should go to bed. He placed his hand on the mouse to begin shutting down the computer when there was another beep.

            “You used to go to Adamson High.”

            The message made his stomach wrench. No one from his old school knew where he was. He didn’t like anyone knowing. He didn’t tell anyone, even his friends. Maybe he should lie and say no, he thought. Tell them they had the wrong person.            Quickly, he typed the message.

            “No I didn’t. You must have the wrong person. Sorry.”

            He tried to shut the computer down as quickly as possible before they could respond. But the beep came too soon.

            “Don’t think so. I’m sure it’s Peter Johnstone I’m talking to, from class 6A.”

            He didn’t answer them, just shut the computer down as quickly as possible and raced into the top bunk, his heart racing with panic. He pulled the sheet over his head and lay in the dark, as though someone may come in looking for him. Like a kid, he thought, feeling pathetic. He took the sheet off his head and looked down at Jacob, lying in on his back in an X shape with his sheets tossed aside. Calm down, he told himself. So what if they knew him? It was the world wide web, everyone could gain access to it. He didn’t need to tell them where he was now. Maybe it was one of his old friends, Jack maybe, or Aaron. Aaron was always on his computer joining chat rooms. And Aaron began with A. Yeah, must have been him. He began to feel foolish for disappearing so quickly and getting so worked up about it. He’d go on tomorrow, he thought. It would be good to talk to his old friends again.

            The next night A was online and immediately sent him a message.

            “Hey.”

            He replied quickly.

            “Hey sorry I disappeared last night. Is this Aaron Cummings?”

            There was a few minutes before he got a response.

            “No. Thought you didn’t go to Adamson High?”

            He had expected this, and typed the reply he’d planned a few hours earlier.

            “I used to. I left. I don’t go to school anymore. I work in a shop in town.”

            The reply came almost immediately.

            “Oh right. I used to see you around school. I was the year below you. My names Arden Hughes.”

            He didn’t recognise the name still, but had never paid much attention to his younger pupils in school, even now. But it was nice to talk to someone from his old school.

            He talked to Arden almost every night. It was good because he knew about the places where he and his friends used to go, like the swimming baths, the park where they’d played football. Then Natalie’s computer broke, and she started using the same one, meaning less time for him to talk to his friend.

            “I’ve not been able to go on for days!” he moaned at the dinner table one night. “By the time she goes off I need to go to bed!”

            “She’s got a big project for History,” Jimmy explained. “It’s due tomorrow, so after that you’ll probably find she’s never on.”

            “It’s not fair,” he whined, knowing he sounded like a child, but not caring.

            “Tomorrow,” Anna told him. “For sure. Isn’t that right Natalie?”

            Natalie sat at the other side of the table, scowling at him over the plate of pasta. “Yes, that’s right. Some of us do our homework.”

            “All of you had better be doing your homework!” Jimmy said sternly, looking at Peter. He hadn’t done any for two nights. He couldn’t concentrate for getting so worked up over the computer.

            He looked over at his mum. She was having a ’bad day’ today. It seemed like most of her days were bad days. She seemed to be getting worse, not better. Looking down meaninglessly at the plate, her blonde hair, not brushed, hanging lifelessly over her face, she was completely unaware of the conversation taking place.

            “Louise,” Jimmy said gently, as if he too, had been observing her. “Aren’t you hungry? Have you had anything today?”

            She mumbled something, and nodded. Jimmy looked over at Anna, who shook her head, telling him that she hadn’t.

            “Why don’t you try a little pasta? It’s not good for you to skip meals.”

            She shook her head, and mumbled again, this time a little more audible. “Too many carbs.”

            Peter felt a surge of rage rush through him. His mother was slim, and as far as he could remember, she always had been. His dad, however, enjoyed having a dig at her weight. If she had a long lie, or had a burger, she was fat, she was an embarrassment to him. Peter thought that now they were away from him, she wouldn’t worry so much. What harm would it do for her to gain a little weight anyway? But it seemed she was worse now, as she looked at the plate in front of her, sure she wouldn’t eat it.

            “Why don’t you have a rest?” Anna suggested. “And I’ll make you some soup when you wake up.”

            “Hey!” said Jacob. “Why does she get soup and we don’t?”

            “Shut up!” snapped Peter, and Jacob winced in his chair.

            “The pair of you shut up!” said Jimmy, as Anna took his mum’s hand and led her out of the room. “Auntie Louise isn’t well. That’s why she gets soup. And Peter, don’t snap at your little cousin. He’s only asking.”

            He knew he shouldn’t have done anyway, but seeing what his dad had turned his mum into filled him with rage. It really wasn’t fair.

            As promised, he got back on the computer the next night. Arden was online.

            “Hey. How are you?”

            The reply came after a few seconds.

            “Hey, I’m good thanks you? And where have you been? Not been on in days!”

            “Cousin’s computer broke so she had to use this one for her school work. I’ve not been able to get on. Rubbish.”

            Beep.

            “That’s not fair. I wouldn’t have that. Why should you give up the computer just because hers is broke?”

            He laughed, knowing he had thought the same thing.

            “Well, it was school work she was doing so can’t complain.”

            The reply came abruptly.

            “How does she know you don’t have school work to do? Not that she would care. Girls never do. They’re selfish. Need to show them who’s boss.”

            It sent a shiver down his spine to see those words. His dad had been particularly fond of using them, even teaching him to say them when he could barely talk. He typed his reply.

            “Well she’s finished it now. Shouldn’t happen again.”

            “Just make sure.”

            As he went to type the reply, a tune started blasting loudly from the speakers.        Quickly, he reached for the volume dial and turned it down low. He looked over at Jacob, who was stirring slightly in his sleep, then he recognised the song. It was that song. His dad’s song. How did it get on the computer? He looked for the music player window, but it wasn’t open. The only window that was open was the one in which he was talking to Arden.

            It made him feel sick to hear that song. He hadn’t heard it since the night his mother was admitted to hospital. Without sending anything to Arden, he shut down the computer. It was a relief when it stopped. Hearing that song was like returning to his old house, where he had witnessed many fights. It seemed everyone of them was going through his head right now. His earliest memory was of standing in a cot watching his parents fight, and his mum saying she was taking him and leaving. She was quickly stopped, with a hard slap throwing her to the ground, and that song had been playing in the living room.

            He came in from school the next day to find Natalie on the computer.

            “Thought you were done with you’re school work?” he said as he entered the room.

            “Yes, well, my teacher gave me it back to do corrections. It’ll only take a while, if that’s alright with you.”

            “Well, it’s not.” He threw his school bag to the ground with force, making a bang. “You were on it for days.”

            “Doing school work. Something you never seem to be doing. If you don’t do it, you’re mum will get a letter saying you’re failing. Then again, she’s oblivious to just about everything these days.”

            “You shut up!” he shouted. She had no right to say that to him.

            “Make me!” she shouted back.

            “Oh I will!” He moved towards her with his hand raised and ready to come down hard, when Anna came into the room.

            “What the hell is all the shouting? Peter, don’t you dare!” She grabbed his arm away from her daughter. He was strong enough to stop her, but didn’t. He didn’t want to hit Natalie. He was just all worked up. And she was just a smart mouth who didn’t think before she spoke.

            “What is going on?” Anna demanded.

            “He’s all moody because I’m on the computer!”

            She sighed. “For God sake, enough of this. It’s school work, Peter. It has to be done. And so does yours. Go in the dining room and do it.” He lifted his bag and walked out of the room. “And Peter, if you ever hit anyone in this house you won’t get on the computer at all. In fact you’ll be lucky if you even get to stay. We don’t behave like that here, and you’re not going to change that.”

            He passed his mother’s room, where she was tossing and turning in her sleep, and made his way to the dining room where he began to catch up on his homework. For all it was a punishment, he felt better after some time alone. He had caught up with almost all of his homework, and when he was thinking about that, he wasn’t thinking about other things, that made him feel angry.

            When he got on the computer after tea, he told Arden about Natalie.

            “I would have just hit her. If she’s going to be like that, serves her right.”

            He sighed at the response. Did this guy not know boundaries?

            “She’s only fourteen,” he typed.

            “If she’s like that at fourteen, imagine what she’ll be like at eighteen. Needs a lesson. So does your mum, by the sounds of things. Ought to get a life.”

            He felt offended by that message. Arden was his friend, kind of, but he had no right criticising his family.

            “Don’t talk about my mum like that. She’s been through a lot.”

            Beep.

            “So has everyone.”

            The song started again, quieter this time, but the same song nonetheless, and without the music player. He began looking for where it was coming from, then suddenly felt relaxed. It wasn’t making him feel sick, or angry, or remember bad things. He liked this song.

            He responded to Arden’s message.

            “It seems like she’s getting worse. My dad would kill her if he saw her like this.”

            Beep.

            “Maybe that’s why she’s doing it. Because he’s not there. You should be keeping her right.”

            He thought about it. How much had he actually done to help his mum since they got here? Not much. It was always Jimmy and Anna. He would start helping.

            The next day, he did as he promised himself. Before going to school, he went into her room. She was awake, and staring at the ceiling.

            “Morning mum,” he said, sitting on the edge of her bed.

            She looked at him and smiled weakly.

            “You getting up? Have some breakfast?”

            She didn’t respond, just looked at the ceiling. He took her hand tight in his own. “You need to have breakfast.” There was a flicker of something in her eyes, he wasn’t sure what it was, but he’d seen it before. She slowly sat up in bed. He took her by the hand, and led her to the kitchen, where Jimmy was making toast.

            “Morning Louise!” he said brightly. “Some toast? Tea?” She nodded half heartedly.

            “I’ll do it,” Peter offered.

            “No, it’s fine,” he said. “I’ll do it. You’d best be off to school.”

            He obeyed, knowing that Jimmy would give her breakfast. He felt good. Even though he’d just got her out of bed, he’d done something, and it would help.

            She was dressed and washed when he came home from school, her hair brushed into a neat ponytail, and sat at the dining table eating a pizza with Anna.

            “Hi Peter,” Anna greeted him as he came in. “You want some pizza?”

            Normally he liked pizza, but he looked at this one and felt disgusted, looking at the grease sitting on top of the cheese, and the tomatoes, dried into it.

            “No,” he answered. “I wouldn’t eat that for anything. Would gain about ten stone with one slice.” He looked at his mother, sure she had eaten a few already. She would get fat. “I wouldn’t advise you to eat anymore.”

            She looked at him blankly.

            “Peter!” Anna snapped. “You’re mother’s got enough on her mind without you becoming so ignorant. Apologise.”

            “What? I’m not apologising for expressing my opinion.”

            “Well, go away from us then so that we can enjoy it. Go on the computer.”

            As he walked down the hall, he heard his mum mutter that she didn’t want anymore, and felt a sense of satisfaction.

            Again, he told his days events to Arden, who agreed about the pizza.

            “It’s for her own good. She won’t be happy if she puts on weight.”

            The song came on again. It was strange, but he liked it. He could listen to it all the time.

            Just then, Natalie entered the room with a smile on her face.

            “What?” he snapped.

            “Five minutes.”

            “No! You finished your school work, get lost.”

            “I need to check my emails.”

            He had another message from Arden.

            “Told you this would happen. Better fix it now or she’ll walk all over you.”

            How did he know? That didn’t matter. He was right anyway.

            “Go away. I’m on the computer. You can go on when I’m done.”

            “No! I want on now.”

            The rage began pulsing through his body, his hands clenched into fists, the song seemed to be all around him. Another message.

            “You know you have to. It won’t hurt her really, just let her know who’s in charge.”

            The song got louder, even though he hadn’t touched the volume.

            “Natalie,” he said quietly. “Go away. Before I lose my temper.”

            “Think I’ll stay and watch,” she said smugly.

            Another message.

            “Are you going to take that from a smart mouth child? She needs to know you’re not.”

            Again, the music got louder, it sounded almost like chanting, encouraging him to do it.

            “Go away.”

            “No! Let me on!”

            He got up from his chair and slapped her hard across the face, leaving a blood red hand print, as the rest of her face went white.

            “What are you doing?” she cried, turning to leave. But that slap had allowed some of his rage to go, and just a few more….

            He grabbed her by the arm, and watched as she panicked, trying to escape, like a trapped animal. He slapped her again, on the other side of her face, and punched her in the stomach. All the while, the song encouraging him. He loved that song. It made him feel good.

            Natalie was screaming now, in pain, begging him to stop, but he didn’t want to. She tried to run again, and he stuck his foot out making her fall to the ground. As she lay there, he kicked her hard in the side.

            Her screams weakened, and turned to desperate sobs.

            “Please stop Peter. Please. I’ll leave you alone, please. You’re going to kill me.”

            There was another message on the computer. He glanced at the screen.

            “Doesn’t sound like a bad idea.”

            He looked down at Natalie, crying on the floor. She was pathetic, spoiled. After all, if she’d done as she’d been told this wouldn’t have had to happen. But she had to be a smart mouth. A few more hits would be all it would take. If he smacked her head on the floor…

            “Natalie!”

            He looked up and saw Jacob in the doorway, tears streaming down his face.

            “Please don’t hurt her. Please Peter, leave her alone.”

            Suddenly, he was joined by his mum and Anna.

            “Peter!” Anna screamed. “What are you doing? Leave her alone!”

            She ran towards him, trying to push him away from Natalie. He pushed back effortlessly and she stumbled backwards into the hallway, falling to the ground.

            He laughed light heartedly, and kicked her again in the side. She yelped like a distressed puppy. His mum was looking at him, crying, when Anna turned to her.

            “Do something!”

            “It’s that song!” she screamed. “That bloody song!”

            She ran for the computer, and Peter easily pushed her to the ground.

            “Don’t be like him!” she begged. “Don’t turn into your father. Please. I love you. You’re all I’ve got.”

            Another message came on the computer.

            “Pathetic. She needs to be put right as well.”

            But he looked at his mother, the one who had kept him safe all these years, who his dad had destroyed, but who still made sure he was safe, and he couldn’t touch her. She meant too much to him.

            He switched the plug off on the computer. The music would stop. The messages would stop. He’d be fine. But it didn’t. Somehow, it didn’t. The song just got louder, and louder. He hated that song, it reminded him of all the times when his mum had begged for her life, as Natalie was doing now.

            He wanted to help her, but the song was telling him to kill her, and it was too controlling. If he went near her…

            Another message. He looked fearfully at the screen.

            “Don’t be a wimp. Kill them all!”

            He looked down at Natalie, in too much pain to sit up, and the others, too afraid to go near. She was only a little girl, really. And what had he done to her?

            He looked around the room, and found Jacob’s baseball bat. He lifted it up. It was heavy.

            “Please don’t Peter!” his mum screamed. “Don’t do this.”

            Natalie’s screams got louder when she saw it. He had another message.

            “Good idea. Quick and easy.”

            He raised the bat in the air, and swung it down onto the computer, hitting the wall behind it, making it crash to the ground, and the song stopped immediately. The rage inside him disappeared, replaced by a horrible guilt. He tossed the bat behind him, sat down on the floor, and cried.

            His mum came over and looked at him. There was that flicker in her eyes. It was fear. Anna went to Natalie, lying in agony, because of him.

“It’s okay,” she told her. “It’s over.”

            For them it was, at least. For Peter, it would never really be over. For even years on, when he was alone, quietly inside his head, the song would still be playing.